Created 7/3/05
Lament
If I’d held my tongue a little longer,
And used it to search him, and to know him,
Our life’s love would have been so much stronger,
And not tossed to and fro on waves so slim.
Now he walks as the Wanderer, quite lost,
Seeking and searching for something known not.
Inferno’s blaze stretches higher, the cost
Too high. Too high! The game plays as a plot.
The little one caught in the middle, sighs,
“What brings such hate and what takes him away?”
The answers lie on the cold floor ‘neath cries,
Cries of mother begging father to stay.
The reasons obscure through the stinging slam
The door as he goes without thought nor Damn!
At Night
Twisting and turning, yearning and churning
Crawling and sulking, knowing not the end.
Shaking and quaking, learning and burning,
Questions swirling and twirling with no mend.
Running and looking, hiding, not finding.
Fixing and fixing and fixing non-stop.
The clock stops at five, no one is winding
It up to continue what was to drop.
No one is checking to further the time.
No one is trying to change what was lost.
The ticker has stopped and never will chime.
Yet, I lay here, love changed cold as the frost.
Where are the days when the sun’s rays glow bright,
Guided the living, love’s path paved in sight?
Questions
If the song in the firmament came forth,
And the melody brought sweetness of worth,
Would the angels, God’s glory, penetrate
His heart? Would love from memories create
What could have, should have demonstrated?
Can all forgiveness replace the traded?
Can the lies and deceit flutter away?
If not, then what is life, but prorated.
Will wrong be made right when from earth we go?
Or will we remain in the state that we show?
Does he know the right perspective in life,
When for selfish reasons he leaves his wife?
Does the grass grow so much thicker out there,
When the good road keeps going on from here?
Too Late
Where would the Son be without his Father?
Where would the trees be without a maker?
Where would the woman go for comfort sure,
If the husband drags her into manure?
What does the boy learn when the door slams shut?
Does he replay it later? Pounce and strut?
When a rooster pecks at so many hens,
Inevitable, he’ll leap from the pen.
Will the son find “dad” as mediocre,
Better than “dad” he becomes moreover.
Not searching beyond rainbows for treasure.
Not eyeing another for mere pleasure.
Do life’s treasures fly when the wind blows past?
Will your heart remind you of home at last?
Song of Hope
Around the corner, underneath a rock
There is no more pain, there is no more shock.
Relief from the blazes of Hades I’ll feel
Straight on the path, no where else will I reel.
Fresh as the morning breeze I awake,
From love’s lost labors, no more will I fake.
Crisp and new, the dew from the spring
Of Life refreshes and breathes new thinking.
Onward and upward the mountain; success!
There will be no stopping, no settling for less.
The strength and power that starts at the heart,
Will burn and energize the new life’s part.
Circle of life, survival the fittest,
The trophy is there, and there for the best.
Divorced
I still feel you.
If I can’t see you, and I’m working,
I’m ok, I forget.
But I can’t sit next to you and not remember.
I can’t see you and not want to touch you.
I can’t sense you and not be drawn to you.
I know you, yet I am continually presented with
Shadows.
Ghosts
If you ever wanted to know what
Your wife and son would feel if you were dead, I’m an
Expert, and so is your son.
You haunt me once a week on pick up and drop offs.
You are always there. At least with death it would be over.
With death, the shadows would be colorful and not colorless.
With death, you would have seemed glorified in honor,
But now you are only glorified in lies.
Haunt somewhere else. A piece of paper won’t set me free.
You are free because you chose to be free.
Now, you infringe yourself upon my life as a living ghost.
Without purpose, and wander
Whithersoever you please until you swoop down
To haunt again. You call it visitation.
I call it a nightmare.
Asleep
The dreams start with happiness,
Chocolate shakes, chocolate bars
Chocolate syrup.
Then the chocolate turns bitter and
The Sweetness decays, corrupts and confuses.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Talk 11/7/09
The Love of God in My Life
I have been very fortunate in my life to be able to come to know my Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ on a personal level. I have felt them so close to me at different times in my life that I really start to wonder what I’m doing wrong in my life when they aren’t so close to me. The path to obtaining that relationship is nothing any more special than anyone else’s story except for the fact that it is mine. Many here, I’m sure, have had similar experiences like mine, so I hope that the stories I’ve chosen to share help you to remember the defining moments that you have had with the Savior in your life.
1. One of the first times that I ever felt the loving arms of my Heavenly Father around me was after reading an Ensign article about a dad that prayed over his son every morning at 4 a.m. before he left for work. I wondered how anyone could love another person so much as to pray over them. The Spirit seemed to hug me and say, “That’s how I love you.”(16 years old)
2. Wisdom Teeth Blessing (19 years old). The night before I had my wisdom teeth taken out my father gave me a blessing that my mouth wouldn’t bleed too much and that my mouth would heal quickly. But the major pain came when I had a reaction to the pain medication, threw up excessively and came down with a high fever.
For two days I fought the sickness and wrestled with it until I barely had the ability to move or fight any further. My father and brother in law came down to me lying on the floor in front of the wood-burning stove and gave me a blessing to heal the nausea and fever. My daddy then picked me up and carried me to my bed, but the pain was so bad that I thought that death was the only way out. I prayed and told my Heavenly Father that if he wanted me to suffer such pain, I would do it for him. I would do whatever he wanted me to do if it was his will. Immediately, the pain and the sickness seemed to lift off of my body and float heavenward. I felt like I had passed some sort of test of obedience and loyalty! The relief I felt was so freeing that I praised my Heavenly Father. The next morning my dad was shocked to see me up and walking around ready to go to work.
3. MTC Blessing –
4. I went on a mission to learn to love others and came home at peace knowing that that miracle had happened.
5. After a spiritually traumatizing divorce which started because of the fiery darts of the adversary penetrating to the core of decency and respect for marriage, I had a dream that made me think that I saw a bright outline or image of the face of the Savior. It was as if his face were burning with fire, but it was the bright light of the Love of God shining through his Son . . . at me. Then he smiled . . . at me. And he didn’t have to say anything, I just knew in my mind and felt in my heart that He loved me and he wanted me to know it. He wanted me to know that he knew the pain that I felt as a result of the deception, lying and cheating that broke the spine of an everlasting covenant. But along with that came the reassuring feeling that everything was going to be ok for me and my two year old son because He made it alright and He had been and would always be there to lift me up as I lifted my son and myself up to face the world alone.
The image faded away and I was left calm and strengthened to face the challenges of single-motherhood.
I’ve already found the Love of God in my life and had so many experiences with it. I have taken it for granted and forgotten to practice it, though, when times are prosperous.
The question is, how do we possess that same love of God, maintain it and practice it more and more each day? We have to practice it or it disintegrates. Making a list of things that we can do to serve others around us helps, but for me it is a daily battle over thinking of self to thinking of others. No, it is a minute-by-minute battle. I have to constantly remind myself to make the right decisions as the Savior would have me.
Marriage and family are great places to start. Since gaining a second chance of having a husband, I have had the opportunity many times to stop thinking of myself and think of him. As I think of him or do things for him, I find that my son and I also benefit. For example, I didn’t cook much when it was just my son and I. I would throw on some spaghetti and call it good. My husband requires his kids to each a few carrots and apples at each meal. It’s easy and they like it if they dip it into some ranch dressing. He also gives them vitamins which I started to do with my son because of his example. My laziness in motherhood has diminished as I follow his example and practice what I have learned.
Also concerning marriage, it is so precious and so fragile, and divorce is so painful and long lasting, that I don’t want to go through that again. Nor do I want to be part of the problem that I go through it again and selfishness is the first thing that puts a wedge between a couple. The absolute hard part is to keep putting the other person first when it seems like your partner is being selfish. I don’t get it right every time, but the times that I just shut my mouth and continue serving with love are the times I feel better about myself and my husband.
When we achieve our goals and live within our value systems, we become more confident and loving towards ourselves. When we feel love for ourselves, we have the strength and desire to show love to others. When we act on the desire to show love to others we then complete the cycle of the love of God.
It’s not just his love for us that is so amazing, it’s the fact that we as his children have the power and ability to feel that love and share it with others. We don’t have time to worry about embarrassment or shyness. We are at war with Satan and the more love we spread the more hearts will turn to our Heavenly Father with faith and hope and generations will be blessed.
How blessed we are to know and feel through the Holy Ghost the love of the Master and his Father. How privileged we are to have that love and to be able to go out and share it with others in big ways and in little ways. What a responsibility we have to share that love to those who are not worthy to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost or the Love of the Father because of sin or lack of faith. We can do it brothers and sisters. We have to. We need the help of each other to get back to our Heavenly Father together. We need each other.
I have been very fortunate in my life to be able to come to know my Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ on a personal level. I have felt them so close to me at different times in my life that I really start to wonder what I’m doing wrong in my life when they aren’t so close to me. The path to obtaining that relationship is nothing any more special than anyone else’s story except for the fact that it is mine. Many here, I’m sure, have had similar experiences like mine, so I hope that the stories I’ve chosen to share help you to remember the defining moments that you have had with the Savior in your life.
1. One of the first times that I ever felt the loving arms of my Heavenly Father around me was after reading an Ensign article about a dad that prayed over his son every morning at 4 a.m. before he left for work. I wondered how anyone could love another person so much as to pray over them. The Spirit seemed to hug me and say, “That’s how I love you.”(16 years old)
2. Wisdom Teeth Blessing (19 years old). The night before I had my wisdom teeth taken out my father gave me a blessing that my mouth wouldn’t bleed too much and that my mouth would heal quickly. But the major pain came when I had a reaction to the pain medication, threw up excessively and came down with a high fever.
For two days I fought the sickness and wrestled with it until I barely had the ability to move or fight any further. My father and brother in law came down to me lying on the floor in front of the wood-burning stove and gave me a blessing to heal the nausea and fever. My daddy then picked me up and carried me to my bed, but the pain was so bad that I thought that death was the only way out. I prayed and told my Heavenly Father that if he wanted me to suffer such pain, I would do it for him. I would do whatever he wanted me to do if it was his will. Immediately, the pain and the sickness seemed to lift off of my body and float heavenward. I felt like I had passed some sort of test of obedience and loyalty! The relief I felt was so freeing that I praised my Heavenly Father. The next morning my dad was shocked to see me up and walking around ready to go to work.
3. MTC Blessing –
4. I went on a mission to learn to love others and came home at peace knowing that that miracle had happened.
5. After a spiritually traumatizing divorce which started because of the fiery darts of the adversary penetrating to the core of decency and respect for marriage, I had a dream that made me think that I saw a bright outline or image of the face of the Savior. It was as if his face were burning with fire, but it was the bright light of the Love of God shining through his Son . . . at me. Then he smiled . . . at me. And he didn’t have to say anything, I just knew in my mind and felt in my heart that He loved me and he wanted me to know it. He wanted me to know that he knew the pain that I felt as a result of the deception, lying and cheating that broke the spine of an everlasting covenant. But along with that came the reassuring feeling that everything was going to be ok for me and my two year old son because He made it alright and He had been and would always be there to lift me up as I lifted my son and myself up to face the world alone.
The image faded away and I was left calm and strengthened to face the challenges of single-motherhood.
I’ve already found the Love of God in my life and had so many experiences with it. I have taken it for granted and forgotten to practice it, though, when times are prosperous.
The question is, how do we possess that same love of God, maintain it and practice it more and more each day? We have to practice it or it disintegrates. Making a list of things that we can do to serve others around us helps, but for me it is a daily battle over thinking of self to thinking of others. No, it is a minute-by-minute battle. I have to constantly remind myself to make the right decisions as the Savior would have me.
Marriage and family are great places to start. Since gaining a second chance of having a husband, I have had the opportunity many times to stop thinking of myself and think of him. As I think of him or do things for him, I find that my son and I also benefit. For example, I didn’t cook much when it was just my son and I. I would throw on some spaghetti and call it good. My husband requires his kids to each a few carrots and apples at each meal. It’s easy and they like it if they dip it into some ranch dressing. He also gives them vitamins which I started to do with my son because of his example. My laziness in motherhood has diminished as I follow his example and practice what I have learned.
Also concerning marriage, it is so precious and so fragile, and divorce is so painful and long lasting, that I don’t want to go through that again. Nor do I want to be part of the problem that I go through it again and selfishness is the first thing that puts a wedge between a couple. The absolute hard part is to keep putting the other person first when it seems like your partner is being selfish. I don’t get it right every time, but the times that I just shut my mouth and continue serving with love are the times I feel better about myself and my husband.
When we achieve our goals and live within our value systems, we become more confident and loving towards ourselves. When we feel love for ourselves, we have the strength and desire to show love to others. When we act on the desire to show love to others we then complete the cycle of the love of God.
It’s not just his love for us that is so amazing, it’s the fact that we as his children have the power and ability to feel that love and share it with others. We don’t have time to worry about embarrassment or shyness. We are at war with Satan and the more love we spread the more hearts will turn to our Heavenly Father with faith and hope and generations will be blessed.
How blessed we are to know and feel through the Holy Ghost the love of the Master and his Father. How privileged we are to have that love and to be able to go out and share it with others in big ways and in little ways. What a responsibility we have to share that love to those who are not worthy to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost or the Love of the Father because of sin or lack of faith. We can do it brothers and sisters. We have to. We need the help of each other to get back to our Heavenly Father together. We need each other.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Cocoa and Toast
Cocoa and Toast
Swiss Miss is fine for camping,
But hot milk and Nesquik are the way to go
For a woman’s need to soothe cramping.
Add a warm piece of crisp toast with creamy butter
And the evening winds down nice and slow.
It started back before I was born
As my mother began the comforting ritual.
Start with a paper towel placed on the corner
Of the countertop, next to the green toaster.
Reach into the tin, silver bread box,
To select the puffy white slice,
Breathe in when the toaster lever locks.
Exhale and repeat as it toasts up nice.
Pour the creamy milk into a favorite mug
Along with three heaping scoops of the powder.
Stir and then microwave for 90 seconds until
The steamy goodness surrenders the chug
To a deliberate process that avoids burning
The tongue’s anxiousness.
Swiss Miss is fine for camping,
But hot milk and Nesquik are the way to go
For a woman’s need to soothe cramping.
Add a warm piece of crisp toast with creamy butter
And the evening winds down nice and slow.
It started back before I was born
As my mother began the comforting ritual.
Start with a paper towel placed on the corner
Of the countertop, next to the green toaster.
Reach into the tin, silver bread box,
To select the puffy white slice,
Breathe in when the toaster lever locks.
Exhale and repeat as it toasts up nice.
Pour the creamy milk into a favorite mug
Along with three heaping scoops of the powder.
Stir and then microwave for 90 seconds until
The steamy goodness surrenders the chug
To a deliberate process that avoids burning
The tongue’s anxiousness.
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